Jeri's Dr. Who Song Book
Click here for Venusian Love Song #1
Click here for Venusian Love Song #2
Click here for Song of the Red Tiger
Click here for The Life of a Detective
Click here for UNIT USA Country Love Song
Click here for Venusian Love Song #3
Click here for Jeri's Song About Erotic DW Stories
VENUSIAN LOVE SONG #1
(translated--after two bottles of Tuscany something or other--
by the Doctor)
[dedicated to a fair maiden on the planet Venus
by her ardent suitor]
My heart, my heart, you've stolen
For I have loved you best.
But could you please return it, dear,
And sew it in my chest?
Your eyes, your hair, each nostril
Your features are so rare
But mostly your incisors,
And all that body hair!
* *
VENUSIAN LOVE SONG #2
(translated by Clerk 42)
[From the Songbook of Love, published
in the 27th dynasty]
Oh I love a girl from an alien race!
She chews with her bottom and sits on her face!
We trundle about in time and in space!
Just me and my girl from an alien race!
Oh I have a girl from Mars red above
She blows off her nose to say she's in love
We sneeze and we snort as we trundle in space
Just me and my girl from an alien race!
* *
Song of the Red Tiger
Written in Venusian, Translated to English by the Doctor
After a session of Venusian martial arts
With the Venusian grandmaster Bash-Bop-Whapwhap
[Dedicated to martial artists across the galaxy]
When you're fighting in a hurry
Several monsters very furry
And your vision's getting blurry
Take a whiff:
Red Tiger Balm!
Red Tiger Balm!
It's just like liquid fire
Only worse! (only worse!)
Snort its pure aroma
To awaken from a coma
You don't need a diploma
To learn this:
Red Tiger Balm!
Red Tiger Balm!
It's just like liquid fire
Only worse! (only worse!)
Though crippled from a dalek
This ointment makes you frolic;
It does something metabolic
Or demonic:
Red Tiger Balm!
Red Tiger Balm!
It's just like liquid fire
Only worse! (only worse!)
Apply it to your naked skin
And then repent of all your sin
Its fire works from outside in
And makes you sing:
Red Tiger Balm!
Red Tiger Balm!
It's just like liquid fire
Only worse! (only worse!)
VENUSIAN VERSION (phonetically transcribed by the Doctor)
Ot REEKAH WOW!
Ot REEKAH WOW!
Zzin YooHoo mukmuk
Ooopee No! (Ooopee No!)
* *
THE LIFE OF A DETECTIVE
(as sung by Mags Hardbottle)
[A folksong from the 21st century]*
The life of a detective,
They say you cannot miss!
You work from dawn to daylight
And then get really pissed!
Refrain:
Oh, I don't want no more of PI life!
Hey Mum, I want go
But they won't let me go,
Hey Mum I want to go home!
The life of a detective
They say it is a lark
You bust the crooks by daylight
And then get mugged at dark
[Refrain]
Me Mum was a detective
Her purse weighed twenty stone
She always fought the bad guys
And brought them in alone!
[Refrain]
The circus called from London
To have me join the troupe
But I said nothing doing!
I'd rather be a snoop!
[Refrain]
[*Best sung with a BASS ALE]
* *
UNIT USA Country Love Song (suitable for clogging)
A girl who's fat is a lovely wife
Keep you warm for the rest of your life.
Her arms are soft and her kisses, too.
A fat girl will take care of you!
A girl who's skinny is yankee born;
She wears blue jeans and her hair is shorn.
Can't make biscuits or simmer a stew---
But a fat girl would take care of you!
Now listen young man to my advice:
Get a fat girl to be your wife.
Treat her right and swear to be true,
'Cause a fat girl will take care of you!
* *
VENUSIAN LOVE SONG #3
(translated by the Doctor)
[From Intergalactic Love Songs and Sonnets,
published by the Venusian scholar Finkher Yupmi Gnoze]
My love is a maid as fair as silk;
The lice she carries are white as milk.
She brings down game for food or sport:
Her teeth are long, but her legs are short!
My love, My love!
Fairest one in all the land!
My love! My love!
Thirteen fingers on every hand!
My love is bright as morning dew:
Her lips are green; her tongue is blue!
Her manure makes all the flowers grow;
When night has come, her udders glow!
My love! My love!
Her slender feet have many toes!
My love! My love!
And one for good measure on her nose!
My love has eyes the hue of corn
Blue fungus sprouts on every horn.
She sneezes phosphor in the night
And makes the darkness full of light!
My love, My love!
Fairest one in all the land!
My love! My love!
Thirteen fingers on every hand!
* *
Jeri Sings About "Erotic" Dr. Who stories
A little song, a little dance
A little Jo Grant in a trance;
Use some guns, make them big;
Just don't assassinate the Brig
That's what we call Entertainment
Yes that's what we call entertainment!
Have a fight; pursue a chase
And please protect the human race.
Tie the Doc's hands, tie up Jo's,
But please depict them fully clothed!
That's what we call Entertainment
Yes that's what we call entertainment!
Show me Daleks, Ogrons crude
But not Sylvester in the nude!
Though Horrors plenty I can face
That's too much for the human race!
That's not what I call entertainment!
No, that ain't entertainment!
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